Harriet, 12, year 6
Miss P is a kind and gentle person and is easy to talk to if you have any problems. This is very important in a teacher, and her pupils value her as a result. She is a brilliant teacher, with lots of flair, and she puts her imagination to good use in classroom settings. Lessons with her are fun and exciting. However, she could work harder at practical things - science experiments, for example, could be more fun.

Stephen, 18, year 13
Mr X is a competent chemistry teacher who is interested in his subject, and shows evidence of a wide-ranging and inquiring mind. One of his greatest strengths is that he is extremely good at explaining complicated issues using everyday language and examples. Recently, an issue that had eluded me for months suddenly made sense when he described it in terms of a motorway road system - it all fell into place.

He’s approachable and friendly, but doesn’t fall into the trap of thinking he’s cool or on a level with his pupils, which some teachers unfortunately do. His strength is as a mentor and guide. He’s a teacher pupils know they can turn to and rely on - a great asset. His wide-ranging general knowledge is admired and remarked on by pupils throughout the school, and makes him a great asset in the annual school quiz. His one weakness is that his lessons can drag on - he might find it useful to try to think of ways of involving pupils more through his lessons. In general, though, another excellent year.

For more see: http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2008/jul/22/schools.teaching

What would your pupils write about you?

Ben Macintyre who writes for the Times has had a go. He wrote:

“Dear Mr and Mrs Brown,
Gordon is a clever boy but moody and difficult. This term has seen yet more undignified feuding with the head boy. If he spent less time brooding on perceived slights, and more time on the mathematics at which he excels, he would go far. He should play more team sports. He is often rather untidy.”

and for our previous Prime Minister

“Dear Mr and Mrs Blair, Tony has allowed himself to become distracted far too easily, and there is a danger of him throwing away the good progress he has made in earlier terms. He appears to have fallen out again with his former chum Gordon, and I have given instructions that they should no longer be allowed sit together, since their constant squabbling is seriously disrupting the rest of the class.”

Ben’s full article is here.

What would you write?

King Henry’s School for Potential Wives

Name of Pupil: BOLEYN, Anne

Age: 8

Subject: History

Anne is very keen on this subject. She’s not as confident on her dates as she might be, but she certainly knows her Kings.

She enjoyed our outing to the Royal Palace. I had a lot of trouble dragging her away when the time came to go home. In the end I had to take her by the ear and say ‘chop chop’ with some force. If the headmaster had been there, she’d have really got it in the neck.

We are hoping for great things for Anne in the forthcoming examinations. Her mother was also very good at history, and in this respect Anne is clearly a chip off the old block. Just so long as she doesn’t lose her head and get carried away, she should obtain a good grade.

Mr A.X.E. Mann

Deputy Head

For more totally made up reports visit http://www.schooljokes.com/school_reports/

“His glaring faults have certainly glared at us this term.”

That was the harsh comment received by Stephen Fry on one of his school reports and listed in the book ‘Could Do Better’ edited by Catherine Hurley.

Another report gem was found in Dame Judy Dench’s report.

“Judi would be a very good pupil if she lived in this world.”

It is amazing how wrong some teachers can get it, as seen by Eric Morecambe’s school report. His teacher wrote;

“This boy will never get anywhere in life.”

Morecambe later went on to win an OBE.

However, Carol Worderman’s teacher obviously had an insight when she wrote,

“Carol has a masterly hold over mathematical computation which should prove profitable later on.”

For more celebrity school reports check out ‘Could Do Better‘ by Catherine Hurley and her follow up ‘Could Do (Even) Better‘.

(via BBC News)

Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

I would not allow this student to breed.

Your child has delusions of adequacy.

Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

The student has a “full six-pack” but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

This child has been working with glue too much.

When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week

It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

Not surprisingly all the teachers were reprimanded.

(via njmarknj on Yahoo! Answers)

“J is unable to sit still,” has become, “J is full of energy and eager to participate in group activities.”

“M prefers to stare out the window than stare at the board,” has become, “M sometimes struggles to focus during guided tasks”.

Ben Macintyre commented, “The British school report — waspish, witty, frequently cruel and usually wrong — is an unjustly neglected literary genre, now sadly in decline.”

Clearly a teacher would not be able to write this kind of report anymore. “He is rebellious, objectionable, idle, imbecilic, inefficient, antagonising, untidy, lunatic, albino, conceited, inflated, impertinent, underhand, lazy and smug.” As written by Michael Hesseltine’s teacher.

To read the full article on Times Online.